annanotbob's Diaryland Diary
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On and on, she just keeps on trying
By the time art class rolled around this evening I'd got myself into a fine old knot of agitation - mainly around food, and far too ghastly to reactivate at this time of night, when all the shops are closed, my belly is full of beans on toast and I've stopped fretting at last.
Yesterday H pointed out to me that what with one thing and another, my resting anxiety level is currently around 70% so it doesn't take much to have me up there maxing out. It's true, I know, but it's incredibly hard to factor it in, to make choices that avoid flipping out. When the day is done and all that's left before bed is to write about it here, I can calm down, draw back and make smart arse comments, but when it's daylight and there are choices to be made, I'm not finding it so easy. It's like having several layers of skin peeled off - I'm raw and sensitive to noise and lights and movements - everything makes me jump and on top of all that I keep thinking Bob is dead - shit now I'm upset again because she's not in here with me, but she's OK, asleep on my cardie downstairs - it's like having a baby, checking that her chest is going up and down with her breath, ridiculous, but that's where I am in this last week of October, 2009.
But I'm booked in to yoga and qigong tomorrow morning which is a good start. The kids are all coming down over the next few days - I've become totally befuddled with the who and the when of it all, as they keep changing their minds, especially Sammie - but it's the big birthday on Sunday, so that's part of it. Ma and my sister's twins. The twins will be 22 so, as is the custom with the bloody youth these days, the party starts tomorrow and will end eventually, probably.
Anyway, art class. Started badly as I was loud and interrupted conversations and then got jittery and couldn't concentrate on what she was saying, but at last I just got stuck in and played and it was very very soothing. We were doing textures and she'd brought us loads of stuff to use, including pomegranates and figs and corn to inspire us, but I forgot about them really
Graffiti en route:
I am grateful for: living in a cool city with access to art and the sea and the countryside; having enough money to get by and pay the rent on my lovely home; knowing this will pass - I don't feel as if it will, but I do know that it will; a healthy body, more or less; a cosy bed to snuggle up in on a cold night.
Sweet dreams xxx
12:11 a.m. - 23/10/2009
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