annanotbob's diary

annanotbob's Diaryland Diary

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the lines are going dead

My little book of yoga continues to offer me wise advice. Today's thought is: How you talk to yourself matters. Our beliefs create a filter through which we see the world. To become free of their power, today pay attention to what you say. Instead of saying I can't, say I'm having difficulty right now. This will create a space between the present and your beliefs about the present.

OK. I'm having difficulty right now with:

Violent mood swings. Swooping and swerving and diving and soaring. Untethered. No group this week, no appt with H.

Finding a sense of purpose. Rather than a different potential sense of purpose every half hour or so. Full on enthusiasm, which peters out in no time, or is not sufficiently considered. In town yesterday I suddenly remembered that Jamie 0liver has opened one of those teach-the-world-to-cook places up in the main shopping area, so I went along and offered my services as a teacher. Without considering that I'd spent a couple of hours crying since I last looked in a mirror, that my hair was partially brushed on Thursday, and that some weird people iron their clothes and expect others to do the same.

Not giving myself a hard time about stuff I feel, stuff I do, stuff I have yet to do. Shoulds. Be gone, thou demon should. I could probably get off my arse and sort out the infestation of cat fleas within a day or two.

Feeling the absence of my children as a burning ache in my chest, a lump in my throat, tears behind my eyes, an itch in my hands and arms and a big void in my mind.

Not having a plan or an adventure or a challenge on the horizon. Voluntary work could be the answer to this, but the very thought of presenting myself properly gives me the total heeby-jeebies. What do I tell people I've been doing for the last three years? I can't, no, not allowed to say that, I have difficulty right now with even the thought of being judged in terms of my capacity to meet a task or even respond to a question.

Going to see Sara tomorrow, driving to take some more stuff up, like portfolios. Was going to stay with Mary but now fucking Ofsted are in so she's not available. Day trip. Good, good good.

Still taking pics though. In flower in my garden right now, amongst others, violas:

and black-eyed susans, doing their best ever for me:

I first read about black-eyed susans in Alice Walker's In Search of Our Mothers' Gardens, but since going to America, I don't think this is the flower she mentions. But I have loved and grown it on and off for twenty years, always nodding my head to Alice Walker for all the wisdom she has given me in different ways in different places, this is now one of my significant plants. I may try and find her one.

And a bit of Bob, being good and asleep, not on my lap:

and this, which might go to the top of the page if I can work out how

12:35 a.m. - 14/10/2009

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