annanotbob's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh yeah Sunday morning. It's a new day, it's a new dawn and I'm feeling good. Sigh. Well, I'm going to give it my best shot. I saw my man R yesterday and he was very very reassuring. I may be back in the depths of the old distorted thinking, but I am not letting it gain control completely. Not all the time, anyway. I'd like to write a witty entry about all the things I've been up to, but it's mainly been about doing battle with myself, and too near for me to feel the humour. It's about catching the naughty thoughts - like I'll feel completely enervated and horrible and everything seems pointless and quick as a flash, almost like a subliminal message, pops up the idea that of course I'm on my own and always will be, because basically I'm a selfish cunt that no one in the world would voluntarily spend time with. Now I KNOW this isn't true (and I'm only using it as an example, I have a wide range of alternative self-destructive scenarios which all come and clobber me in rotation), but the feeling is there and I have to grab it and give it a good shaking. Evidence - where's the evidence? All the evidence in favour of this proposition is thirty, forty, fifty years old. OK, my kids have just left home - THAT DOES NOT COUNT. It's just a loss and brings up feelings like other losses, but this one is not catastrophic, it's welcome. I am actually quite a nice person and people do want to spend time with me. Proof - invitations THIS VERY WEEK from Marion, Jane, Mary, Sarah and Michaela, Marcus. These feelings are old stuff, popping up to smite me when they can, as they will, but I don't have to go with them, I can hold on and let them pass. But it's not easy and I do tend to panic. Anyway, Renny's coming for dinner tonight. His girlfriend is at Sussex, so he's going to be up and down all the time I expect. In the past, whenever I've come to a big turning point in my life, I've gone for a dramatic haircut. I am quite tempted by this as a symbolic representation of a new beginning, but... Grateful for: all I've learned at group, which does really work; friends; sunshine; weed; Bob Happy Sunday xxx |10:58 a.m. - 27/09/2009 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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