annanotbob's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On and on I had a great realisation today. I first started having major mental health issues, which clearly had a huge impact on my kids, in 2000. Nine years ago. Sam was twenty, married with a baby, but Sara was fifteen and Renny thirteen. No one can say where they would be now if I hadn't lost the plot then, but they were both bright academic kids and they both left school with rubbish qualifications. If I wasn't also a teacher I don't know if I'd feel the same, but I've known enough steady kids who've hit the skids after a family calamity. I could only feel that I let them down. They could have gone straight through and on to Uni, but not with a bonkers mum. They may not have done anyway, but they didn't have the option of focusing on school work when it counted. But now, with Sara going off to start her degree and Ren already doing his MA, I feel I've made my reparations. They may be doing it late but fuck 'em, they've not had to support themselves financially to get qualified to go to university and they're still in their bloody twenties, children they are, the bastard pair of them, it was them that drove me nuts in the first place. If nothing else, financially they are on their own. So. That's all good. I discover that the wider family (sister and co) have been hiding from me that facts that a) Ma has been mouthing off to everyone that I gave her the swine flu and never mind the gap between my illness, my visit to her and her illness, she doesn't know anyone else who had it so it must have been me and b)She is noticeably losing it both mentally and physically. I didn't go into whether this is considered temporary or not, because I don't want to know until next week and maybe not then. I'll see how I feel. I might just take advantage of being in her bad books and stay away for a bit. Sammie is talking of catching the train down for the weekend in a few weeks time, with Tony. Cool. I might start sticking my oar in a bit more with the old extended family. There's going to be a big space where Sara has been, for people who annoy the shit out of me but I love anyway. That vibe has been very concentrated of late, but little and often may be cool. Going round my brother's, that kind of thing. He never comes here, but fuck him, I like him, although he can be a pompous prick (a man in his fifties - hard to believe, I know), so maybe I'll get off my fat arse and drive five minutes to his house more often. Who knows. I'll be able to do what the fuck I like and you can't stop me so ner ner ner. This was came out in the year I got pregnant with Sammie: |12:01 a.m. - 18/09/2009 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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