annanotbob's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In the middle of the night I call your name Fucking fuckery abounding on this PC tonight. As per my list of the other day I opened a new folder and a sub-folder and found the first bit of writing to cut and paste into it. The little egg-timer popped up and nothing else happened, so I thought I'd close a few things down while it was titting about. Everything clogged up, pages overlapping other pages, not responding, nothing to be done except close it all down and start again. But now it won't let me into the folder - ha! the bastard! I tried to open it again to copy the exact words in which it told me I didn't have access to the file as 'another user' had locked it and it's bloody opened it. Gah. This is what I mean though - being contrary and unpredictable which is not supposed to be in the nature of machinery. Yesterday went downhill from the moment I logged off from writing here. I've run out of sleeping pills - last one on Sunday night - and hadn't done anything about getting a new prescription. This was mostly to do with having flu and it all feeling too complicated, but partly to do with thinking I'd be better off without them. They were recommended for me to stop what they call 'ruminating' ie laying awake for hours thinking unhelpful thoughts that deepen depression, and to stop me sleeping all day and missing appointments. I was only meant to take them on nights when I had trouble sleeping, but I immediately took one every night and have done ever since which is not a good thing. But of course I couldn't sleep and got into this weird 'princess and the pea' routine, where I knew there was something under the mattress and had a look and there wasn't but I still couldn't get comfortable so I had another look, building myself up into a good old anxiety state, ruminating like a good 'un. At about four I took a valium and slept like the dead till early afternoon and then felt hungover as hell. By the time I felt even vaguely human it was too late to phone the doctor unless I was going to give it the full hysterical 'I can't manage without these pills at any level, get me some now or live with the consequences' number and I didn't have the energy for that. So here I am again, hoping for a better result. Like either falling asleep or staying awake, but not succumbing to the temptations of valium. I did manage to clean a small section of the kitchen window, on the grounds that I will do a bit of something off that list every day. Some action is better than no action. Disappointed though. I felt so good yesterday and thought I was going to hang out there for a while. Ah well. Tomorrow is another day and all. ... Sara's just come in to talk about how stressed she feels about moving to London and starting college and about how mean she gets and what we're going to do about it. She has been quite unpleasant - at one point today I suggested she listen to herself, to what she'd just said and her tone of voice. Good ploy, as she obviously thought it through. So, I'm in charge of food, and she won't moan if it's all my old fall-back shite that I can cook with my eyes closed. We shall see. Sweet dreams xxx 11:57 p.m. - 04/08/2009 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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