annanotbob's Diaryland Diary
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On either side the river lie....
I painted a bit of the shed to see how I felt about it:
I like it - I'm going to buy some more of those sample pots in pastel colours and do all that side of it. It's only emulsion, meant for indoors, but there are so few outdoor non-gloss colours - two shades of blue, one red, loads of green and loads of brown. Nah - I'll do it like this and see what happens. It should fade nicely, I reckon.
I can't do the other side yet:
Not with that girl in the way. And the beans. They're looking good so far, the beans, but I won't rest easy about them until they've flowered copiously and the flowers have set. Sometimes they just don't, or they grow tiny weeny half inch beans which then fall off. They're in pots as well, which is not ideal.
I cut loads of branches off the sumach which overhangs from the garden backing onto mine:
very soothing.
I thought the side garden looked fab yesterday, but as usual I've only seen what I was looking at - the bamboo and the pot behind the birdbath. Not the bin, the bike and the hosepipe:
That big pot of water has a miniature water lily. The leaves are just an inch across and they're shooting up thick and fast. No sign of any flower buds yet but I'm hoping.
I didn't go with my sister - her husband did instead. I'm staying there tomorrow night as Sara's having a Glasto reunion party and I'm going to lend her (sis) that book about depression - Shoot the Damn Dog by Sally Brampton. It's only in hardback at the moment but I foresee buying quite a few copies when the paperback comes out. It's the first thing I've read that explains it properly to people who don't understand. I think. And hope.
The bits that resonated with me were:
1. That through it all she pulled herself together in front of her daughter and collapsed when alone
2. That she had a good life and knew it to be good really, though it made no difference, in fact it was just something else to feel shamed by.
3. That there's a physical, almost metaphorical component - I clench my jaw to the point of agony; she had an excruciating lump in her throat. We're both keeping our mouths shut, keeping it in.
4. Memory loss - especially of films and books encountered during episodes
5. Losing track of time and chronology
6. That finding a community is crucial (*waves at fellow saddos - cooee!!*)
7. That a person can cry an ocean of tears and still cry again, all the next day and the next.
8. That it's an illness, not a character flaw. This is the hard bit. Hard to remember. Everything's fucking hard to remember - I had to go and get the book to remember what I'd found so good in it and I'm fairly sure there were other more important things that I didn't happen upon when I flicked through.
Renny turned up unexpectedly early this morning, found me all bleary eyed and was supportive and lovely in just the right way, which made me cry a bit more then go and fetch Millie. Exercise - good. Animal to cuddle - good. Phone sister to cancel - good.
Ren went off to do what he swears is his last ever graffiti (yeah, right) and I slowly, slowly, slowly washed a kitchen full of dirty pots and pans, then swept the floor (I told you I was poorly), took Millie to the park, did a sudoku, came home and did a bit of painting. The table is still in a state of flux as I am not steady-handed enough to paint freestyle.
Jane and I went to see an outdoor play but it pissed down with rain so we came home.
I still feel like shit, but I'm proud of having achieved so much today. My last breakdown was all about weeping and wailing and trying to get someone to help me with my life which I couldn't live any more. I turned up at people's houses and phoned them at all hours. Eventually I realised that no one was going to help me, that in the end we are all alone. This time is different - it seems to have been all about hiding it as much as possible, from my kids, my family, my friends and my diary. I'm making a conscious effort to reach out a bit more, as they keep telling me to do, but it's hard.
Tomorrow Sam is going to service the car before I go driving all over the place next week. I hadn't noticed this whole servicing the car thing - apparently I should have been doing it quite often. Meh. I'm going to visit Renny in his new job in a groovy sweet shop (candy store). Also to the art supplies place to get some water colour pencils in more shades of green so that I can have a try at making a picture of the garden. I love those pencils.
Now it's cocoa, Kahlua, spliff and sleeping pill. Sounds like a plan, doesn't it? Sweet dreams xxx
|12:08 a.m. - 19/07/2008
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